It’s 5AM here right now and I’m not even too tired. Why can’t I just be normal with no disorders and no addictions and no depression and no thoughts that are pushing me to koll myself
She started it. My family made it worse. But then she finished me off when I was recovering.They are dysfunctional and I don’t remember the last time I felt too comfy in my house. House, not home. I don’t love them , nor do I feel good enough there to call ot home.
My ex girlfriend’s boyfriend is a guy that I was really close with in the past.When I was with her, he was with my ex’s best friend and I would always give him advice and just hang out with him like really good buddies. I even showed him my injection marks. He was the first person to ever see them. In the past few months, we stopped talking and eventually he ends up with my ex 3 weeks ago , literally 2 days after he broke up with my ex’s best friend. My ex and her best friend break off all contact, and they continue with their relationship.
First off, it literally kills me each time I see them together. My ex left me even if she knew I would be even worse than before we got together. She knew I would kill myself or get back to drugs and to self harming and that I would just destroy myself. But she left either way. She didn’t want to fight with me to keep us going , to overcome the bad times. I guess that was proof that she was only there for the good times. However, despite the fact that she didn’t love me as much as I love her, she was my stable grounds. Literally,she was someone I couldn’t go for more than 2 days without seeing. I gave her so much attention and showed her everything in my life and we did everything. From sexual stuff to just random cute and romantic stuff. The joy I felt in my heart back then could have overcame a thousand dark thoughts if I had any.Seeing her was like seeing Michael Jackson. It didn’t matter if I was already in bed with her. Each time was like the first time. It felt infinite. Butterflies would overcome me ,lift me up and just carry me through every second I would spend with her. Even when I wouldn’t eat for a few days, when I would see her I would get better right away. It was magic. I can’t even explain how she made me feel. Even today , seeing her is both bad but I can also sense that feeling that I felt when I would touch her or just randomly stare at her face. I didn’t care much about my looks , a specially my face with which I am obsessed with now. I don’t think that she knows to this very day that she will never meet another person in her life that will sacrifice everything just so he could spend 5 minutes with her. She will never meet a guy that will cut off his friends, all the poison from his life, change his looks and lifestyle just because she likes this and that a bit. Never. When I love someone, and she is the first and the only love of my life, I love them with my heart, my soul, my brain, my body, my whole entire being. At least I loved her that way.
Now , imagine having all of that for quite a long period of time. And then having it all taken away from you with a simple “We’re done” over facebook. Imagine everyone else related to her that was your friend , people you cared for , leave you without any notion. Imagine going through a serious drug addiction ,self harming , depression just months before that , then getting clean because of a person, and then have that person become your world, your stable grounds.. and then leave you like that.
Could anyone trust people after that ? Any human ? I can trust people, but I don’t really expect anything from them. Too many have left over the year. Too many I’ve pushed away. You see, when you push people away you tend to see who is willing to fight to stay and who is not. Nobody was willing to stay. I got worse. A lot worse. My self harming got worse too. Everything got worse. My anxiety is killing me. Seeing them is killing me. Every single pleasure in life is making me feel guilty whenever I feel it. I don’t do well with people at all. Every compliment I get.. I get so anxious and I don’t believe them. I have such a strong passion for my own blood. Such a strong passion today that ,hell, even a doctor would refuse to help me. And this text post isn’t even explaining half of it. This is roughly explaining it. Roughly. I can’t even go deeper than this. It took so much of my energy to write this, but I did it because I just needed to let something out. My bipolar is really messing with me , and this round I am so suicidal and broken , but numb at the same time. I can’t tell the difference between staring at a blankly at the wall and sleeping. The same thoughts consume me. Some people say “it’s like a nightmare with your eyes open” . Well this is. I promise you. It’s getting worse and worse and I just.. I don’t think I’ll go through the next day. I don’t want to. I don’t want to go to high school just so I could get a billion times worse. People there hate me. They lie about me and just dislike everything on me from my face and hair to the way I dress and my horrible social skills . I can’t. I won’t. I won’t look at my ex and her boyfriend. I won’t do this anymore. I want to die. Please just someone kill me . I wouldn’t be able to thank you but I would leave you an original BAD album and a note in my pocket saying where to get it. It’s so bad. I’m sorry I’m venting. Nobody’s gonna get through even half of this , so I don’t even care. So basically I’m talking to myself now.